“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
– African Proverb
Going far and achieving incredible feats with people ay nangangailangan ng deep at meaningful connections. Ang daan patungo sa meaningful connections goes through three towns: Envy town, Pity town, and Disappointment town.
When you find yourself in these ‘emotional towns,’ gamitin ang following maps upang matukoy kung nasaan ka at kung anong daan ang dapat mong tahakin to get out of each town:
ENVY TOWN
Sa karamihan ng mga relationships, darating ang panahon when you want what the other person has. Marahil ang iyong partner ay may exciting new career opportunity, ang iyong katrabaho ay nakakuha ng award, o ang iyong kaibigan ay nanalo ng limpak-limpak na salapi. Kung paano ka mag-respond to your envy will either move you closer to a meaningful connection or drive a wedge between the two of you.
Hindi natin maiwasang ikumpara ang ating sarili sa iba, so envy is simply part of the human experience. Ngunit if you let envy run unchecked, it can turn hostile as you go from thinking “I want that too,” to “If I can’t have that, I don’t want you to have that…”
The latter thinking ay humahantong sa isang emotion called schadenfreude, which is a German word for taking pleasure in someone else’s misfortune. Kung nasiyahan ka sa isang kuwento ng isang mayaman na nawalan ng pera, then you’ve experienced schadenfreude.
When you find yourself in envy town, iwasan ang ‘schadenfreude road’ at dumaan sa ‘freudenfreude road.’ Freudenfreude is a German word for taking pleasure in someone else’s success ‐ ang kabaliktaran ng schadenfreude. Nalaman ng mga psychologists na ang mga tao who lack strong connections with others experience a lack of freudenfreude.
Experience more freudenfreude sa iyong buhay by seeing yourself as a member of a huge team. Kapag ang isang teammate (i.e., friend, family member, or coworker) scores a goal, eagerly sprint patungo sa kanila at ipagdiwang ang kanilang tagumpay na parang ito ang iyong tagumpay. Then keep other people’s joy alive sa pamamagitan ng pagpapakita ng interest in their joy and asking follow‐up questions.
PITY TOWN
Kapag ang isang tao sa iyong buhay experiences a loss or setback and you think, “That must suck for them.” Or you say, “I’m so sorry for you.” ‐ You’ve entered pity town.
Pity is the near enemy of compassion. Pity and compassion ay tila magkatulad na emosyon, but they have profoundly different impacts on a relationship. Compassion ay nagpapatibay ng connection sa pamamagitan ng mensaheng “me too.” Samantalang ang pity ay naghahatid ng mensaheng, “I’m glad that’s not me,” and “That couldn’t happen to me,” na nagpapahina ng connection. When you feel sorry for someone but want to keep your distance, you’re in pity town.
Get out of that town by getting on the ‘compassion road.’
Magsimula sa pamamagitan ng pagkilala sa someone’s suffering and thinking “Yup, that could be me.” Then hit these three ‘compassion road’ checkpoints.
- Itanong kung ano ang kanilang karanasan.
- Tanggapin ang kanilang pain and suffering as they say it is at huwag itong maliitin.
- Linawin ang iyong naririnig at ipakita ang pag-unawa.
The job is not to entirely relate sa pain ng isang tao or to walk in their shoes. The job is to listen sa kuwento na sinasabi ng isang tao tungkol sa kanilang pain at paniwalaan sila kahit na hindi ito tumutugma sa iyong karanasan. Your willingness to listen and believe someone in pain ay magbibigay sa kanila ng lakas upang harapin ang kanilang pagdurusa at malampasan ito.
DISAPPOINTMENT TOWN
Napagtanto mo man o hindi, you have a movie playing in your head about how others should act. When people deviate from your internal movie, you experience disappointment. Maaari mong higit na maiwasan ang ‘disappointment town’ by examining the movie playing in your head and letting people know what role ang inaasahan mong gampanan nila.
Sa trabaho, Brown has developed the habit of painting a perfect picture ng kanyang expectations so she doesn’t hold her team sa mga hindi makatotohanang expectations and resent them for not doing things she silently expects them to do. Her expectation expressing habit is called “painting done.”
In the book, she says, “Painting done” means fully walking through my expectations of what the completed task will look like, including when it will be done, what I’ll do with the information, how it will be used, the context, the consequences of not doing it, the costs—everything we can think of to paint a shared picture of the expectations. It’s one of the most powerful tools we have.”
Sa susunod na makita mo ang iyong sarili sa ‘disappointment town,’ tanungin ang iyong sarili:
- “Mayroon ba akong ‘stealth expectations’ na hindi naipahayag nang maayos?”
- “Maaari ba akong gumawa ng isang mas mahusay na paraan of expressing my expectations?”
- “Nalabag ba ang aking expectations for reasons largely outside of anyone’s control?”
Examining, reality‐checking, and expressing your expectations will ensure you spend as little as time as possible in ‘disappointment town.’
“If we want to find the way back to ourselves and one another, we need language and the grounded confidence to both tell our stories and be stewards of the stories that we hear. This is the framework for meaningful connection.”
Brené Brown writes
Author: The Pinoy Engineer
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